RELATIONSHIPS
On top of physical attributes,
women also list certain careers
(architects or doctors, preferably),
salaries (over £50K, please), home
status (a swish flat in a good area, at
least) and even music preferences
(the right balance of Glastonbury
headliners, classic albums and acts
so cutting edge we’ve never heard of
them). With that sky-high criteria, it’s
no surprise the average woman is
finding it harder to meet the right man.
So maybe it is time we started being
a bit more realistic. But completely
dropping your standards Gottlieb-
“Women don’t start a career
until their mid-20s, it’s only natural
settling down begins later”
style? That simply isn’t necessary.
Hayman says it’s less about ‘settling’
and more about ‘streamlining’; working
out the imperative traits a potential
long-term partner has to have, and the
ones you can live without.
“There are certain things that are
absolutely non-negotiable in any
partnership,” says Hayman. “It’s like
a checklist. There needs to be fidelity,
honesty, communication, accepting
you both have to talk about your
feelings and expectations from each
other and sharing. It’s OK not to agree
on everything else, in fact arguing
healthily – ie not point scoring or never
resolving arguments – is integral
to relationships.”
“You do need some sexual
chemistry, but I do think that can grow,
as long as the fundamentals are there,”
Hayman continues. “I’ve got a friend
who called me and said she’d met
someone who was everything she
wanted except for the fact he was ‘an
ugly little man,’ who didn’t turn her on.
I told her to give it a bit of time and
just to keep having fun with him,
and not think too much about the
whats and the whens, and what
people will think. A couple
of months later she called
me and said she’d never
been happier.”
Sian*, 31, a PR, agrees.
She initially wrote off
her now-boyfriend Matt*,
a teacher, because he
turned up to their first
date in a fleece and didn’t
know anything about music.
“We slept together for
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a while but I refused to call him my
boyfriend, then one day he said
I needed to decide what I wanted as
he wasn’t going to wait around any
longer. It took a lot of soul-searching,
but I decided I had to go for it. Partly
because, at 31, I knew I wasn’t getting
any younger, but mostly because
I knew what a great dad and husband
he’d be. We might not be partying until
dawn or having wild sex like I did with
my exes, but he makes me feel amazing
and I know he’ll never let me down.
I would never advocate settling for
someone who doesn’t make you happy
more than he makes you unhappy,
or you can’t really talk to or trust.
But sometimes it’s worth just thinking
about what’s really important and
going for that.”
THE TIPPING POINT
Which returns us to Gottlieb’s slightly
frustrating assertion that the big 3-0
is the cut off point for finding love for
the rest of our lives. A recent study
of 4,000 women by Clairol found
a woman’s happiness peaks age 28.
Psychologically, a woman’s 30th
birthday can send her into panic
mode. It marks the journey from
‘semi-adulthood’, into ‘proper
DOING IT, ER,
FROGGY STYLE
adulthood’. It forces us to assess
everything that has come before
and everything that is to come.
Gina*, 36, a solicitor, got the
relationship fear on her 30th birthday.
“That’s when I met Richard* through
friends I just threw myself into it,
because I knew how much he liked
me. I never had that intoxicated feeling
when you want to stay up all night
finding out everything about them,
and I never found it that easy to talk to
him about my emotions, but I felt
I wasn’t going to meet anyone better
and before I knew it we were married.
“Then two years later I met Greg*
at a party. He was so carefree and hot
and I’m ashamed to say I ended up
sleeping with him for six months.
We ended it but after that I had
a really intense fling with a married
man which lasted a matter of weeks.
“My husband and I have started
talking about children and I really
don’t want to be that woman anymore.
But I think if I’m really honest with
myself there’s a bit of me that wishes
I’d slowed down, and really thought
about what I was getting into. Now
I can’t leave him as I’m scared
it’s too late in life.”
The fact is, Gottlieb has failed
to consider that we do most things
later in life now. Most women go to
university until their early 20s and
don’t start a career until their mid-20s,
so it’s only natural the whole process
of settling down begins later. “People
can get so worried about hurrying
forwards and living in the future, they
forget to enjoy the here and now of
a relationship,” says Hayman.
In fact, your 30th birthday should
be the biggest celebration of your
life. You’ve experimented, you’ve learnt
most of life’s hardest lessons, and
you’ve survived. Most importantly,
you now know what you want to
do with your life.
Undoubtedly, one of the
biggest criticisms of Gottlieb’s
book is its assumption that
ultimately all women want to
get married so they can be
looked after, then have the
typical 2.4 children. But
in reality, that’s far from
the truth. One in
five women now
earn more than
their partners.
Simultaneously,
the number of men
staying at home to
look after children
has risen by 80%
in the last 15 years.
Our romantic dreams have
SETTLING�BY�
NUMBERS�
Even Cinderella would think
twice these days it seems…
◆ Panic-marrying is impacting
the rapid divorce rate, with
nearly one in four divorces
occurring in the first four years
of marriage. In contrast only
13% of couples break up after
20 years of marriage.
◆ The rate of twentysomething
women walking up the aisle has
dramatically declined in the past
eight years – proof we’re holding
out for the perfect man. The
decrease is strongest among
women aged 20-24 – the
marriage rate went from 33% in
2002 to 19% now. Similarly, 69%
women aged 25-29 got married in
2002, compared to 54% now.
◆ The average bride aged
between 25-34 will only be
married for seven years. Feeling
disillusioned with your partner is
the biggest cause of the
notorious seven-year itch.
◆ The optimum time for finding
love is the last fortnight
of February, when a surge
of singletons sign up to dating
websites after experiencing
a dry Valentine’s Day.
◆ There’s still hope – there
are 1.65 million single men in
their 30s, and their number is
increasing at a rate of 50,000
per year. That’s a hell of lot
of frogs to kiss…
Sources: Office of National
Statistics, Edinburgh
University, Match.com
a new practical twist. “Any relationship
is about compromise and working
together,” says Hayman. “Choosing
a man is similar. It’s about thinking
about the things that are and aren’t
important and opening your mind.”
We’re mature enough to realise
we’re not going to end up with
Prince Charming, but we also think
it’s right to kiss as many frogs as
it takes to find the one who
really makes you happy.
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