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isten in to the
conversations taking
place in any bar
L around the country
tonight and one
thing becomes obvious; men and
women communicate in very
different ways. Women speculate,
sympathise and analyse using
superfluous adjectives. Men are
direct, jovial and more literal.
Listen closer and you’ll hear
the frustrations our differing styles
provoke. “The only time I know
he’s stressed is when I find him
sitting in the dark” versus, “Why
can’t she just say what she means?”
Along with different ideas of
what makes a viable Christmas
present for your mum – Nintendo
Wii vs Smythson diary – our brains
are also poles apart. And it means
that inevitably, our communication
styles jar. In The Human Brain
Book, Rita Carter explains that the
brain is divided into two hemispheres
that do different things, connected
by a band of nerve tissue which
carries information between the two.
This band of nerves is slightly larger,
on average, in women than in men,
so the emotional right side of the
brain is better connected to the
analytical left side.
We asked three gender
communications specialists to share
their advice for seamless male-female
conversations at home and work.
WHEN MEN TALK,
1 THEY CAN’T LISTEN
Men switch off when it comes
to the mammoth task of both talking
and listening in sync. Women speak
and listen simultaneously. Bestselling
co-author of Why Men Need Sex And
Women Need Love, Allan Pease, says:
“Our studies showed that when men
talked, no other parts of their brain
were active, yet women’s brains were
constantly active in all areas, proving
that they could both talk and listen at
once.” Indeed, observe any male group
and notice how they take it in turns to
speak. Despite this, it can be hard to
get a word in against dominant males in
board meetings. “Try talking to a man
as another man would,” says Pease.
“Let him finish and try not to interrupt.”
YES, HE REALLY CAN
2 THINK ABOUT NOTHING
Asking a man what he is
thinking is akin to grinding a pencil
through his ear – it’s that uncomfortable.
Women can juggle a multitude of
thoughts but men often switch their
minds off entirely. Unconvinced? Brain
scans support this. “In our studies of
male and female brains, men showed
frequent signs of little or no active
thoughts,” says Pease. “I call this the
‘Nothing Room’. It’s where men go to
regenerate energy.” So next time your
HE TALKS IN
3 DIRECT TERMS
You’ve asked if he could
put that shelf up four times now.
Each time, he agrees – but your
books are still gathering dust. Try
wording the question differently.
“Men use assertive, commanding,
and straightforward language,” says
John Ashfield in The Frustrating
Issue Of Communication. “For them,
speech is an action to get things
done. Women use subtle and
nuanced words, aimed at building
rapport and relationships, and
THE MALE MIND
How make men LISTEN
to
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“ONE OF THESE DAYS I’M
GOING TO SHOVE THAT
PAPER RIGHT UP HIS…”
partner says he’s thinking of nothing,
believe him. “Allow him 30 minutes
of ‘nothing time’” advises Pease. “He
will come to you when he’s ready.”
“Under stress, men
find it therapeutic not
to speak at all”
achieving consensus.” When you talk
to him, be direct, factual and specific.
“The enjoyment women find in talking
becomes frustrating for men,” explains
Lin Burress in her article, Bridging The
Communication Gap: Communication
Differences Between Men And Women.
“To communicate effectively, change
your approach.” Say, “Will you put up
the shelf?” instead of, “can”, a word
that implies that he is able to, but not
that he is going to. After all, no man
ever asked: “Can you marry me?”
MEN TACKLE SUBJECTS
4 ONE AT A TIME
How often have you talked on
the phone while making breakfast, and
mentally planning your day, while your
partner spends 20 minutes stirring his
porridge? Instead of multi-tasking, men
compartmentalise their tasks. Burress
says: “Men store work, hobbies, wife
and sex in different files until it’s time to
‘close the drawer’ and open the next.”
Pease agrees: “Men can only do one
thing at a time. But when he does it, he
focuses on it. So, to be convincing and
persuasive, talk about one thing at a
time and don’t dart around subjects.”
HE SHUTS DOWN
5 WHEN HE’S STRESSED
Think about any argument
you’ve had with a man. Are you
shouting incessantly, arms flailing,
while he stays cool? The female brain
allows us to release emotions when
we’re stressed which we find
therapeutic. “But in the left side of
the brain, which controls emotion,
men’s speech functions are reduced,”
explains Pease. “Under stress, he
closes off this part of the brain. He
finds it therapeutic to not speak at
all, whereas women keep talking
until they’ve found a solution.
There’s more activity in their brain
to enable this.”
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